remembering this time...

This time every year, I get a little emotional. Two days before

Lyla's birthday, the day I found out that I needed to have her,

because our lives depended on it.

I can remember the exact conversations with the team of doctors,

and feel the exact feelings and anxieties I was having.

I was alone in my room, thinking this time would be like any other time,

and I would spend a few days in the hospital and then

just go home to continue bedrest there..

But a group of doctors came in, sat down,

and said very seriously, that I was very sick, 

and it is getting too bad too fast.

So it was time.

I was in shock, and said no, it was too early, I was fine.

But it was really a matter of surviving.... me and Lyla.

I felt so scared and so alone, but I had a day to process it.

They said we could wait a day to start the induction, 

and they would let me labor for a day.

Every day that she could stay inside was beneficial to her

and labor would be good for the both of us.

But, I had to know that at any minute 

anything could change,

and I would have to let go of my birth dreams.

I wanted the birth process to be as normal as it could be.

I had all these hopes and dreams and visions.

I was not prepared at all. 

But, we got through it. And spent the next two months in the NICU.

That was one long, dreadful summer. I felt so helpless

and sad. But yet I tried to do everything I could

to feel like I was Lyla's mommy.

I still can remember those feelings and anxieties from

the NICU life. Imagining one little beep

from a monitor, and it all rushes back to me.

Remembering my sweet tiny girl in the incubator,

fighting for her life.

A gentle reminder to appreciate life, slow down, and have more patients.

And to celebrate life. 

I get a lot of traffic here on my blog from google searches like:

pregnancy after preemie

pregnancy after miscarriage

prematurity

miscarriage

loss

So this post is for all of you out there searching for something...

something like what happened to you

someone who went through what you may be going through

someone to help settle your anxieties

and know that there will be a rainbow at the end of your storm

The internet can be such a dangerous place to google 

something that you may be going through...

especially with the negative answers you could find

that could give you even more anxiety.

But I like the idea of blogs, women sharing their stories

and connecting with one another

to show support and give advice.

Pregnancy after Lyla was terrifying. We looked at other options,

like adoption. And had testing done to see if I could hold a 

pregnancy. When we got pregnant again,

we were very scared. And when we

started having problems at nearly 13 weeks,

just like I did with Lyla.

I thought everything would be okay. Just like it ended up being with Lyla.

I never thought we would lose our baby.

And I never thought I would be pregnant again.

But then, after two surgeries,

I was pregnant with Savio.

Our rainbow baby.

That was a very stressful pregnancy.

I had so much anxiety and worried about every little thing.

I was lucky to have such wonderful doctors 

taking care of us, and listening to me,

and completely understanding.

Savio's pregnancy was long and hard.

I had some health issues, and spent 

a lot of time at the hospital getting testing done

but we got through it.

And the day Savio was born,

happened to be the same day one year later

that his brother went to heaven.

Savio's birth was very emotional.

I was mourning his brother,

but also crying tears of joy because

I couldn't believe I was finally going to meet 

my little man.

Everyone of us has a story, that makes our lives unique,

it's a matter of sharing them to raise awareness

or show support to people going through similar situation.

We all have our chosen paths and purposes here.

Live with purpose

and

Celebrate life