remembering this time...

This time every year, I get a little emotional. Two days before
Lyla's birthday, the day I found out that I needed to have her,
because our lives depended on it.

I can remember the exact conversations with the team of doctors,
and feel the exact feelings and anxieties I was having.

I was alone in my room, thinking this time would be like any other time,
and I would spend a few days in the hospital and then
just go home to continue bedrest there..

But a group of doctors came in, sat down,
and said very seriously, that I was very sick, 
and it is getting too bad too fast.
So it was time.

I was in shock, and said no, it was too early, I was fine.
But it was really a matter of surviving.... me and Lyla.
I felt so scared and so alone, but I had a day to process it.
They said we could wait a day to start the induction, 
and they would let me labor for a day.

Every day that she could stay inside was beneficial to her
and labor would be good for the both of us.
But, I had to know that at any minute 
anything could change,
and I would have to let go of my birth dreams.

I wanted the birth process to be as normal as it could be.
I had all these hopes and dreams and visions.
I was not prepared at all. 

But, we got through it. And spent the next two months in the NICU.
That was one long, dreadful summer. I felt so helpless
and sad. But yet I tried to do everything I could
to feel like I was Lyla's mommy.

I still can remember those feelings and anxieties from
the NICU life. Imagining one little beep
from a monitor, and it all rushes back to me.
Remembering my sweet tiny girl in the incubator,
fighting for her life.

A gentle reminder to appreciate life, slow down, and have more patients.
And to celebrate life. 

I get a lot of traffic here on my blog from google searches like:
pregnancy after preemie
pregnancy after miscarriage

So this post is for all of you out there searching for something...
something like what happened to you
someone who went through what you may be going through
someone to help settle your anxieties
and know that there will be a rainbow at the end of your storm

The internet can be such a dangerous place to google 
something that you may be going through...
especially with the negative answers you could find
that could give you even more anxiety.

But I like the idea of blogs, women sharing their stories
and connecting with one another
to show support and give advice.

Pregnancy after Lyla was terrifying. We looked at other options,
like adoption. And had testing done to see if I could hold a 
pregnancy. When we got pregnant again,
we were very scared. And when we
started having problems at nearly 13 weeks,
just like I did with Lyla.

I thought everything would be okay. Just like it ended up being with Lyla.
I never thought we would lose our baby.
And I never thought I would be pregnant again.

But then, after two surgeries,
I was pregnant with Savio.
Our rainbow baby.

That was a very stressful pregnancy.
I had so much anxiety and worried about every little thing.
I was lucky to have such wonderful doctors 
taking care of us, and listening to me,
and completely understanding.

Savio's pregnancy was long and hard.
I had some health issues, and spent 
a lot of time at the hospital getting testing done
but we got through it.

And the day Savio was born,
happened to be the same day one year later
that his brother went to heaven.

Savio's birth was very emotional.
I was mourning his brother,
but also crying tears of joy because
I couldn't believe I was finally going to meet 
my little man.

Everyone of us has a story, that makes our lives unique,
it's a matter of sharing them to raise awareness
or show support to people going through similar situation.

We all have our chosen paths and purposes here.

Live with purpose
Celebrate life


  1. (virtual hugs) today, dear mama!! How brave and courageous of you to share this, what a blessing it will be to many others! <3


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