postpartum depression. cont'd.

i had this perfect picture painted in my head 
of pregnancy and having babies.
unfortunately my picture didn't turn out the way i imagined.
but it is a beautiful painting.
because it is mine.
my story.
my life.
and i wouldn't change it.

honestly i wasn't familiar with ppd at all. i did hear of it but never really knew much about it. i never thought i would suffer from anything like that.
i was strong. i was determined. i was positive.
but that doesn't matter. it's not in my control.

looking back, i definitely had some symptoms after lyla and our angel baby.
but i was and have always been very stubborn in asking for help.
i want to do everything myself. to prove that i can, and that i am strong.
but sometimes we are not able to handle everything that gets thrown our way.
that's what family and friends are for. to lean on. especially when times are tough.

i feel so blessed to have such wonderful family and friends to help us through.
to offer support and help.

it took me a while to recognize that how i was feeling and acting was not normal. it was intense.
but i just couldn't control myself.
i started fishing around for a few days trying to figure out what was going on with me.
i had a lot of mood swings, headaches, and anxiety. and i honestly didn't want to do anything. nothing. and i didn't care if i was isolated.
that is so not me at all.
i am usually a very busy and motivated person.
and i enjoy company and conversation.

after fishing around, researching, talking to friends,
i realized that ppd is probably what i had, 
but made an appointment to be sure.

the next day, it was confirmed.
i really had a hard time accepting it.
i just couldn't wrap my head around it.
but it explained a lot.
and i felt horrible about it.
pathetic.
ashamed.
guilty.

i thought people would think of me differently because of it.
but it isn't me. it doesn't define me.
it is just making my path bumpy at the moment. 
but we will get through it.

at first, i didn't want to admit it or talk about it with anyone really.
after about five days, i started to accept it.
and talk about it little by little.
and i realized that helped me. and maybe it could help others.

i started to ask for help from others.
and i started to force myself to do things that i usually would love to do.
especially things that make me feel good.
to focus on me.

so far treatment seems to be helping. lets hope it stays this way.